You know how I love my Top 10 lists. Well, this one’s been burning a hole in my brain (and my soul) for some time now. It will be a struggle to keep it to 10, and I’m not sure if this is a list of tips as much as a therapy session for me. Regardless, I can’t keep it in any longer. I’ll get right to the point:
Most men on Match.com suck.
Well, maybe they don’t suck, but their profiles do.
You know Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…” routine? Well, I have a twist. Here goes:
You might not be getting a date on Match.com if…
10. … your screen name is BigDaddy4U, JoeAtMorgue, or INeedUNow. Why not just use I’m Horny, I’m Creepy, or I’m Desperate. Same difference. Next.
9. … you are standing next to your hot rod. And then, your other hot rod. And then, your buddy’s hot rod. That’s not hot, Rod. That’s just stupid. You like your car? Fine. If it defines you so much, you may be spending a lot of time in it (or them) alone. Have fun.
8. … you are shirtless. You know, I absolutely appreciate a guy who takes care of himself. No qualms with that. Good for you; good for me. But do you have to over-advertise? And here’s another news flash: I can tell if you are in good shape even with your clothes on. Shocking, I know. So give me some credit, and give yourself some more shots with shirts.
7. … you can’t take a dang decent photo of yourself. What is a bad photo? Hmm… Well, standing in front of your dirty bathroom mirror holding your cell phone is a bad photo. Going from room to room in your house, changing your shirt EACH time so you can have 5 different snapshots equals multiple bad photos. (Man, and you almost fooled me.) Looking downward, upward… wayward… and not at the camera lens while trying to take a selfie translates to “not a good photo.” It.is.not.that.hard.
6. … you are posing with your ex-girlfriend in your photos. Or your ex-wife. Or maybe even your current wife. Heck, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. What is the point here? “It’s just a matter of time before you, too, can be in my photos, replacing this woman here!” Can’t wait. (By the way, I’m sure your ex appreciates her cameo.)
5. … you do not answer your basic profile questions. I like mystery. I like a bit of adventure and chance. I do not like it when you are either too lazy or too non-committal to give me some elementary pieces of info to go on. It is Match.com. You do want to be matched, right? Well, nothing from nothing leaves Nothing. Poof! You’re matched.
4. … you send me a lame message that says, “Hey Sexy Baby. Wanna go out tonight?” No. That is all. Thanks.
3. … you say that the most important thing to you is that you want “no drama.” Really? Because I thought everyone wanted drama. I know I do. If you’d ONLY said you wanted drama, man, it could’ve been ON!
2. … you list all the things you don’t want. I have a list of those, too. IN MY HEAD. If all you do is complain and talk about your bad past experiences, that is such a turn off. Take it to therapy, not Match.com.
1. … you can’t spell, write, or string a sentence together to save your soul. I saved the best (or worst) for last. Let me first take a deep breath and go to my Happy Place. Inhale… exhale. Okay. I know I’m a former English major. I know I’m a grammar guru. I know I won all the Spelling Bees in grade school. It is hard to shed all of those cloaks. But sweet baby Jesus, I try. I try because I don’t want to be overly judgmental. But Holy Guacamole, it is bad out there in Match.com Land. Please, please… use Spell Check. Have a friend help you. Proof what you write. Plagiarize. I don’t care! Otherwise, you’re leaving a bunch of women out there scratching their head and wondering why they are being punished. You are leaving me running for my Xanax.
P.S. If you’re wearing a cap in all 17 of your pictures, we already know you’re bald. (And that’s okay.)
You’re welcome. xoxo